Forgive the ’wrong doer’ for your own sake, it’ll lift the heaviness off your soul

It is possible to forgive others if we understand the importance of forgiveness. Holding on to the pain and not forgiving the offender causes stress which in turn causes several diseases

By Anupama Jha

Medical student Anita was married to a doctor when she was 21. Her in laws came from a very conservative background and Anita had a tough time in adjusting to the new life. She had to do household chores she was not used to. Taunts, comparisons, reproaches were all commonplace. She suffered these silently. On a couple occasions when she retorted or tried to explain her point of view, her husband told her not to. On such occasions, though she would remain silent, she was filled with resentment and had to use a great deal of energy to restrain herself. Over time resentment converted into bitterness which would find expression in the form of angry outbursts, impatience, sarcasm, cynicism, judgmental attitude, and lack of compassion.

Those in her close circle were subjected to her bitterness. Angry words would burst forth randomly and people around her would be hurt for no fault of theirs. Over time she developed pain in the body and was diagnosed with osteoarthritis.

Often pain of any kind has emotional roots. It may be rooted in anger, fear, resentment and criticism. When a person holds on to painful memories, the body reacts with physical pain, hormonal secretions, and other stress responses. Stress causes the bones to release the minerals needed for their formation into the bloodstream. In stress when the fight-or-flight response is activated, the repair processes in the body are suppressed. Any expendable nutrients are sent to the essential organs – being the brain, heart and lungs – for quicker decision making and response times to help get you out of danger.

Bone loss is very common in those who experience chronic stress because the bones are continuously deprived of minerals.

Holding on to the pain and not forgiving the offender causes stress which in turn causes several diseases. Insomnia, depression, heart problems, auto immune diseases, obesity, digestive problems are symptoms of pain, anger, rancour and stress.

Therefore, it’s important to make a conscious choice of forgiving the person who has hurt you. It will lift the heaviness off your soul and is very liberating. Forgiving the other person is not for the other, it is for self. Refusing to forgive is living in the past and wallowing in pain, self-pity and misery. Therefore, for your own sake you must forgive the ’wrong doer’.

This can be done by making a mental list of minor offenses as well as the unresolved past grievances. Minor offences may be forgiven by the end of each day, just before you go to bed. Own your emotions – the pain and hurt, and then let them go. This is the equivalent of taking out the kitchen garbage every day.

Likewise, consider each of the unresolved past grievances and forgive every person involved in it. This has to be done with utmost sincerity. If it does not happen in one sitting, take as many sittings as needed to completely forgive, but do it sincerely. Try to see things from the other person’s perspective too, if need be. Don’t allow your mind to dwell on the previously forgiven offenses. If you do this, you run the risk of opening the door to resentment and bitterness the second time.

Often times people say that they wish to forgive the other person but do not know how to do it. Or they may simply say that they have forgiven the ‘wrong doer’ but in fact they are still harboring the grudge against them. Fact is that we all have a petty part in us that does not wish to forgive the other. We do not admit it and sometimes we are not aware of it because we do not focus within. We are constantly acting and reacting to the external situations and people. Reason out with the petty part and let go.

It is possible to forgive others if we understand the importance of forgiveness. Once you understand it, then you have to simply let them go. This is possible only if you live mindfully. Mindful living can be done by withdraw your attention from myriad things that you are doing, the different thoughts racing in the mind, and focusing your awareness and attention to the present.

A mindful person recognises the “trigger, accepts all that is happening to his mind and body, and calmly chooses his action. When you consciously choose your action, it is called acting, rather than reacting.

In this way, Mindfulness help you understand your stress and forgive others. This is because it makes you pause, and helps you process the trigger better.

• [The Pixabay pictures used in this article serve illustrative purposes only]

Anupama Jha is a Spiritual Coach, Writer and a Mentor. She blends modern therapeutic techniques and ancient Indian knowledge for empowering mankind.