THIS TOO SHALL PASS
First, we have the Terrible Two’s, which thank heavens, seems to be limited to just that particular year and then… we have the dreaded teens! Almost subconsciously, parents the world over start girding their loins in preparation for rudeness, surliness, messy rooms and messier arguments from their hitherto angelic offspring, while teenagers suddenly, inexplicably, refuse to recognise their parents in public – almost as though they were all the result of immaculate conceptions – and look forward to this open societal licence to create mayhem at home.
Are teenagers as terrible as they’re made out to be, though? I hold a contrary view here. I’ve never had any real trouble with my children when they were teenagers; bunking from school once or twice is hardly “trouble”. Furthermore, during my years of teaching at university, I haven’t faced too many unruly incidents either; on the contrary, I find many teens or those just stepping into their 20s are respectful, responsible and focused.
Therefore, are we, the so-called adults, responsible in some manner for confusing our teenaged children? At the age of sixteen, a teen can get a learner’s driving licence, but he still can’t vote. It’s all right to have a boyfriend/girlfriend and, presumably, sex, but the teen can’t imbibe alcohol legally. What are the kind of crazily mixed signals we’re sending out as a society? I’m not for a moment advocating that we lower the age for voting or drinking alcohol, merely, pointing out the absurdities in our societal rules.
A significant factor that we adults often tend to overlook is how awfully confusing it can be to be a teen. There are so many decisions to be made: university/career choice, peer influences, mounting familial pressure. Not only are the hormones all over the place, it’s also a time of life when people around you almost overnight, as it were, think of you as an ‘adult’, although you yourself are still on the cusp of childhood and adolescence, which is why a certain amount of rebellion is to be expected – and the wise parent will anticipate it. Trying to be cool or ‘with it’, succumbing to dares from peers, makes teens reckless.
It’s also much harder for them these days, because social media allows a glimpse into everyone’s lives; coupled with the fact that people are usually presenting ‘perfect’ versions of themselves in the virtual world, it’s hardly surprising that a teen would go off the rails.
Furthermore, speaking of hormones, it’s a scientifically proven fact that the ‘nucleus accumbens’, the part of the brain which tells us we feel pleasure, begins growing in childhood and reaches its full potential by the time we’re teenagers – there’s also a higher level of dopamine release during this stage – post which it begins shrinking. This is perhaps why teenagers go in for such wildly improbable behavior which, in retrospect, seems borderline insane to them too!
Added to this is that many of us, as parents, tend to think our teenagers are just like empty vessels and we rush to fill them up with our own learnings and experiences, forgetting that they have their own ideas and opinions. So, there’s a clash in thinking right there, which oft leads to a communication break-down. Teenagers love pushing their parents’ buttons and they have a high success rate because the first trait we develop being a parent is worry: it comes free with the territory! It may be wiser to listen more, in order to keep that channel of communication free-flowing.
In conclusion, notwithstanding the nucleus accumbens, I think many teens behave badly not because of some automatic gene trigger, but because it’s sort of expected from them; all they’re doing is conforming to the typecast behaviour that society expects from them. I also read an interesting article on this, where the author’s premise was that negative expectations from the parents predicate negative behavior from teens.
It’s a kind of vicious cycle that repeats on itself, because some societal elements also have rampant indiscipline, as in, it’s okay to break road rules or bribe officials.
My children were raised in an Army background and I think our fauji society leads by example: we follow a disciplined way of life, even while we know how to have fun – and that discipline is inculcated in our children. Certainly, although they’re often referred to as “army brats”, I haven’t come across badly behaved teenaged army children. Children have to be taught early on that they must be held responsible for their actions. If not, it’ll be like a domino effect, where a lot of things can topple over.
