The Spaces Between Us: More often than not, it’s Ego that spells the death knell in a relationship

Sometimes it could just be that we’ve erected barriers between us that don’t allow communication, therefore, the trick is to learn to bridge those spaces

THIS TOO SHALL PASS/By Punam Bakshi Mohandas

This is primarily a tale of two brothers, whose father is an avid football fan and hence, the brothers are named Messi and Ronaldo respectively. Unfortunately, they’re not from the same mother. You see, when Messi was just about a year old, his father divorced his mother and married another woman, who gave birth to Ronaldo. I don’t quite know how the dynamics or timing in this family worked, but there’s just a year’s difference in age between the boys!

Both brothers were studying the same subject with me in the same semester – but in different sections. Messi was tall, slim, wore stylish glasses and was always cheerful, smiling and ever-ready to crack jokes. Ronaldo was slightly shorter and more squat, with wiry hair and eyebrows. He was much quieter than Messi and kept to himself. Undoubtedly, he was the more intelligent of the two. On the other hand, Messi was a budding musician; the last I know of him, he had signed up with one of the Thai youth bands that were rapidly becoming popular.

I found that Messi would keep asking questions about Ronaldo; how he was doing in studies, did he have friends in class, how did I find him; it was all in the manner of a protective older brother. Slowly, I pieced together the stories of this fragmented family; the father had no interest at all in his first wife or in Messi and did not support them financially; made no effort to know anything about his son. However, he lavished all his love and wealth on his other son, Ronaldo. This was told to me by Messi, in a voice laden with suppressed emotion. Ronaldo – at least on the surface – appeared more secure and stable. He dressed in an understated manner – usually a black jersey on top of his university uniform, but the watch and trainers he wore were of very superior quality.

So, there I was, straddling the worlds of these two boys who were related but unconnected, with me as the common factor. Messi longed to know his brother, but there was no interest from Ronaldo to do likewise. With all the questions coming my way, I soon suspected that Messi must have signed up for my section only to try and be even remotely close to his sibling. I really felt awfully pained on his behalf, but there was nothing much I could do; I could not over-step my boundaries and insist that Ronaldo repair the relationship with his brother, especially as he was aware that both were at the same university, yet, he made no efforts to reach out.

Some years ago, I was asked by a friend who was on the horns of a relationship dilemma: Is it better to leave when the children are young, or after they’re grown up? There is no sure-shot answer for this question. If parents split up when the children are young, well, yes, one might argue that the children are too young to know anything and so that is the right time.

On the other hand, you have just read Messi’s story, where he is so emotionally torn; he yearns for his father and brother despite having had little or no contact with the former from the time he was a year old. ‘What could a one-year old child possibly know’? you may ask. Ah, but we sometimes miss what we never had. My father died a week after I turned eight years old. My entire world came crashing down around my ears overnight. I never got to know what kind of dad he’d have been as I grew up; would I have had boundaries, or would he allow me to soar and spread my wings; and yet, not a day goes by that I don’t yearn for what never was.

So then one should leave once the children are grown? On the contrary, young adults are more impressionable and more susceptible to clever manipulations. I think we place too many expectations on someone who has just recently left adolescence behind. Little children are purer of heart; they just go according to their instinctive feelings.

Therefore, my answer to such a question would be that whenever you do leave – if you must – make sure you are straightforward with your children. Have an open communication channel where they know what’s going on and why, no matter how hurtful. Things in a bad marriage rarely change, unless both partners are willing to work on their egos and their flaws. The instant impulse is to shield the children from the ugliness. However, if one of the partners is scheming, it can work to your detriment, as he can then subtly manipulate them, altering facts skillfully to suit his own version of the “truth”.

My children sometimes get bored of my insistence on this “channel of communication”, but if I got a chance to do it all over again, I would hold them close and just keep talking. No spaces between us. No matter the age of the child, all they really need to be assured of is that they are loved, irrespective of any upheavals in the parents’ lives.

• [Main/featured pic from Pixabay has been used illustrative purposes only]

Punam Bakshi Mohandas is a journalist and writer with 25-plus years of work experience across India, Dubai and Thailand. A nomad at heart, having travelled over 43-countries at last count, Punam is also a film critic. She was a weekly columnist for the Hindustan Times (New Delhi edition), Delhi Midday, The Financial Express, The Statesman and the Times of India (Kolkata edition). She is also the author of the book, ‘Fallen Angels’.